My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
