why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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