saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
