Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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