This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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