I haven't been this sober since birth.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
