I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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