I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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