if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
