i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
