I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
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You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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