my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
