i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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