I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just want to make out with him forever
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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