god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize