He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize