I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
