Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
