I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
