i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
