I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
