it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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