when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
