This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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