Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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