What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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