I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
50% drunk capacity currently
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
