The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
