theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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