My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
