I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
