i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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