So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
