my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
