If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
