What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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