im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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