Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
