I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
