Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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