got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
