just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
