I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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