I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
