Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
