I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
