We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
