After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it's great music for shaving your balls
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
