Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
