I can text with my tongue
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
