you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
