you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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