After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
