and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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