Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
