I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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