I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
