Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
