there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
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I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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