Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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