I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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