My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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